the mother of mothers

In that quiet dark place, where words of Mother reassure, gently stroking her belly, delivers feelings so secure. Light might enter, filtered through skin, like the purest starlight now shining within.

But there are other voices you might hear in this place, origin unclear from the vast outer space. They try to take-over, forcing their will and way, but by side of Mother you might be better to stay.

Dark satellite transmitting bad thoughts and ideas, hitting home, shooting pain in ears. So listen to Mother, for she knows why you're here, she gave to you her body, oh sweet child my dear.

Our world is now fast changing, like it's being pulled apart by each side, the duality of life where two worlds collide. Dear Mother, you knew it all for you brought me here now, Hathor's seven, celestial cow. Yes those seven sisters, ancient keepers of time, ladies of the Pleiades, from Taurus shoulders you shine.

Orion might hunt your beauty across the sky night, but clustered together like a night light. Divine intervention, protecting purity, ascending Earth troubles through sacred security. But others darkened by selfish forms of Earth pursuing, following another voice, for that there's no undoing. No rising to the stars as Earth is swept clean, for maybe there's another story that must be felt and seen.

Old soul who has been and done it all before, but what did you hold onto as you walked out the door. Collapsing temples, floods and fires, justified anger for unholy desires. But fruit that's fallen can again be risen, like Mother's love through your lens on life prism.

Existence was first spoken into being, the power of the word, sounds so agreeing. Creation streaming out like a quote, eustachian tubes connecting ears and throat. A mirror form to what goes on below, so move on down to the sacral show. Ovaries to uterus, fallopian tubes, where egg meets sperm of partner you choose. Sexual expression, bringing to life, like a home-birth with loving midwife.

So watch your words, that dirty talk, and talk the talk you wish to walk. Resonant words, move out like a mantra, conspiring with life, like the forces of tantra. But that burning desire to shout and scream, projecting rage, a family theme.

Fire dragon with your blowtorch so bright, that fierce breath will warm your bones alright. Retreating to your cave, nervous system alarm, calming self, for fiery words can harm.

But I stand in its flame, so you burn away, cascading Fire directed my way. For there comes a time when you must turn and demons face, no shying away from upset and disgrace. No giving in to temptations, for you now know from where they arrive, they do not belong here, cutting their chord to survive.

Those dark battle wounds have healed, no scar-ry night, womb of the world, in soft Waters held tight.

Oh Mother did you hear my cry, dragged down from my house in the clouds so high. Longing to return to my rightful place, but another Earth journey it was time to face. Hold me close, your horns spiral to the skies, pouring milk, so healing of eyes.

You know my story and this battle royal, fighting chaos, restoring true kingdom loyal. Rising above these treacherous times, false leaders and their hate crimes. Burned inner child, mad at mummy, inflamed insides with stools all runny.

The tree of life, branching out and rooting down, sycamore figs turning yellow to brown. The syconium of the fig with multiple ovaries inside, pollinated by wasps, pushing in to eggs hide. Food and shelter lovingly displayed, soon filling with fluid after eggs are laid. Mutualistic relationship where all species involved win, those natural cycles of life that end and begin. But those who try to cheat only for self-gain, like an unpollinated fig will fall to the ground again.

A ring of bruises and scars in its trunk bark, is well known for greater inflorescence to spark. Unripe fruit secretes milky latex sap, reacting to the sun, gastric and allergic react. Self-preservation, helping wound healing, a great ally when with old injuries dealing.

But like the rubber tree, Yes from the same family, carries with it an elasticity. Bouncing back to original state, right on time and worth the wait. Stretching comfort zones to touch on old traumas, not for the faint hearted, but for spiritual explorers.

So to the spirit of Fig and Hathor's milk, no need to cry over what's been spilt. Upset over that which cannot be changed, the meaning of life and karmic lessons arranged.

These are my own insights, but a great beauty of life is that of perspective, so how might others respond to the spirit of Fig, unbeknownst to this being the spirit they are receiving. How might they perceive it through their six senses. And when re-entering the womb that unconditionally loves the human race, one re-discovers the portal between Earth and cosmic Space.

Hi, my name is Sharon and I'm a holistic therapist and energy healer on my continued journey of self-healing.

When Andy first asked me to share I was initially very hesitant. I have been introverted my entire life and even up until a few months ago I found it difficult to share in the group chat in the Plantally sessions. This is one of the many things that Plantally has helped me with.

I started my personal healing journey 15 years ago. I had tried to fit in with the mould that society wants to place you in and had a good job in IT, nice home, friends etc, but internally I suffered from perfectionism, overworking, anxiety, self-critical thinking, OCD, negative rumination and limiting beliefs. I was highly sensitive and struggled with the overwhelming feelings I picked up from others. This along with my own internal pain from emotional neglect in childhood led me to develop an addiction to prescription painkillers. Ironically the painkillers helped me satisfy my need to be over productive at the expense of my own health, which is then rewarded in the society we live in.

There were a number of synchronicities that led me on my path of healing, while also coinciding with the start of my addiction. I moved towns to create some distance from my mother, who suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

NPD is a mental health condition which can be extremely damaging to those close to the narcissist. Narcissists feel entitled and self-important, seek admiration from others, lack empathy, exploit their children, put others down, experience hypersensitivity to criticism, believe they deserve special treatment. They need control and validation like they need oxygen. Their behaviour leads them to lie, gaslight, bully and manipulate in order to gain that control and validation and in many cases are naïve to the damage they are causing.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have profound implications for a child’s mental well-being. The experience often leaves lasting emotional scars and trauma. The constant demand for attention, combined with manipulation and emotional neglect from the mother can create in the child feelings of insecurity, anxiety, overthinking, negative rumination, diminished self-esteem, limiting beliefs, a need to be perfect to believe they deserve any form of love, overworking, people pleasing, trust issues, guilt, shame, addictions, OCD, depression, an inability to self sooth…the list is a long one.

It was just before I moved towns that my addiction to painkillers started. Another debilitating thing that narcissistic mothers can do to their children is to limit their growth and maturity. The child can then reach adulthood without the confidence and self-reliance required to be a well-rounded adult. This is where I found myself, with very little confidence in many areas of my life, failing to push myself out my comfort zone and missing out on many opportunities because of this belief.

Trying to create some distance from my mother with my house move ‘woke the beast’ in her as it triggered her fear of losing control and the fear that I would become more independent and therefore her ‘need to be needed’ would not be met. She created such a barrage of bullying and manipulation, which led me to a point of cutting her off to try and limit the stress she was causing me.

On top of the stress of moving homes, I was struggling to sleep, which eventually led to problems functioning in my daily life. I was offered opiates and they seemed like a blessing at the time. I took one a day in the evening and it washed away all my troubles and concerns and allowed me to get some sleep. I was groggy in the morning, but that was a small price to pay. I figured I would use the opiates until I had moved towns then I wouldn’t need them. How wrong I was!

Taking the opiate felt like a warm hug and I feel this was able to temporarily fill the void I had from the emotional neglect and lack of unconditional love I experienced from my mother. In hindsight, the timing of finding this warm opiate hug as I was working on creating more distance from my mother seems very relevant. The opiates also helped to numb my over sensitivity from being an empath and helped, in the short term, to decrease my negative rumination.

At the same time as I moved towns, my dad started suffering badly from a frozen shoulder and all the doctors could offer him was cortisone injections, which weren’t always a reliable pain reliever. This led me to learn Reiki in a bid to help my him and despite me being a novice, I was able to help my dad’s shoulder and the pain didn’t return.

In working my way through my Reiki courses, the higher energy brought up much of the emotional pain in me that I had supressed and from there I went on a quest of healing, trying many methods in the hope that it would help me live a regular life without the reliance I had on prescription medication. This quest led me to several healing modalities, in particular, energy healing, aromatherapy and later plant medicine and somatic work.

The opiates helped me deal with the emotional pain that was surfacing from the therapy I had started, but my reliance on them became worse, despite the new healing modalities I had found, and I was needing more to get through the day to the point I needed them to give me the confidence to leave the house in the morning. I yearned for a life where I could be free from this crutch and feel more of a connection to the world without having to be numb. I’d forgotten what it was like to be happy.

Throughout my addiction I was still able to meditate and channel healing energy for myself, but it was never enough to get me to a point I didn’t crave the support and emotional safety that the opiates offered. Needing these daily was like living in a prison in my head. My life was driven by time slots as I would have the exact time I would take each painkiller drilled into my schedule and my day was a set of highs and lows, wishing my life away until I had reached the time when the painkiller was due. This gave some relief until the effects started wearing off and I was back to clock watching until the next painkiller was due. This went on for years while I worked my way through therapy and in doing so I was able to decrease my daily opiate amount, but I never reached the point where I felt strong enough to get through life without this crutch.

I had been taking opiates so long that they had very little effect and sometimes I couldn’t remember if I’d taken one or not, but despite their inability to provide the comfort they once did, I still found myself in a position where I couldn’t imagine having the strength to face life without them. This is the turmoil an addict brain can place you in.

Plant medicine came into my life at a very synchronistic time and helped me to heal my 15 year addiction. If you have suffered from childhood trauma you can spend your life with an unregulated nervous system and live in what’s termed as a ‘Trauma Vortex’. This way of living then becomes the norm and you find different ways to cope with the negative traits that accompany a dysregulated nervous system.

Plant medicines and connecting to the spirit of the plant, particularly Cacao helped me to create a ‘Healing Vortex’, although I didn’t realise this was what was happening at the time, I only knew it helped me to feel better and helped me find solutions to issues that stressed me.

I learned afterwards that in order to feel strong enough to face the trauma that is plaguing you, it’s important to develop a ‘Healing Vortex’ to rival your ‘Trauma Vortex’. A ‘Healing Vortex’ is anything that can healthily support you in your healing journey and if you have enough of this support, through whatever means align with you, at some point you will find the confidence and bravery to face your shadows head on. As a people pleaser I rarely let anyone see I was hurting and much preferred pouring my energies into helping others. However, working with the spirit of the plant medicines I didn’t have to put on a mask, I could just be me. The emotionally scarred me that was still hurting. The plant medicines helped me to move to a place where I had the capacity to deal with my daily life without seeking the crutch of opiates to get through.

As I developed a stronger relationship with the spirit of Cacao my strength and confidence increased and I so looked forward to our daily connection. I looked for my opiate crutch less and less to the point I felt strong enough to declare that I was going to stop taking painkillers. It was at this point that another plant spirit came into my life in the form of Grandmother Ayahuasca and I was given the opportunity to purchase a tincture of ayahuasca for microdosing.

The day I decided to stop taking opiates and start microdosing Ayahuasca, coincided with my dad’s second suicide attempt. The divine synchronicities of the Universe helping to find the support I needed at just the right time.

My dad had emphysema and he had endured more years of narcissistic abuse from my mother than I had. In the end his struggle to breath and the unresolved trauma he had took their toll on him and he stopped wanting to be here. I tried my best to help him, but it proved too much for me in the end. My dad passed away 5 weeks later and I found the strength to face this challenging time without going back to my old ways.

I used to think that once I stopped taking opiates I would feel great, but that isn’t what I found. I still had a lot of the childhood trauma from my upbringing with a narcissistic mother, despite being on this healing journey for over a decade. I enrolled in a course about plant medicines, part of which covered childhood trauma. From this I learned just how much my unresolved trauma was affecting me. That my brain had atrophied from the years of chronic stress which had led to brain fog and concentration issues, on top of the continual dysregulation of my nervous system.

My dysregulated nervous system had led to my perfectionism, overworking, feelings of low self-worth, depression and burn out. While the revelations from the course gave me hope that if I was able to regulate my nervous system more fully I could relieve myself of these traits, the pain of realising I’d been living like this for decades, when there was a much healthier alternative, was a crushing blow.

My favourite part of the course was learning somatic work. Somatic healing focuses on the idea that trauma is stored in the body as imprints and the somatic work connects with the trauma imprints and helps to resolve them. By resolving the trauma imprints this helps to heal the triggers that dysregulate your nervous system. This healing modality really resonated with me and I am currently studying to be a Somatic Plant Medicine Integration Coach to allow me to continue to heal my own trauma and be of service to others in helping them heal their trauma.

In November last year I noticed a message about Plantally on a group chat. The lady said that being part of Plantally had brought about such amazing transformations within her and she would recommend it to anyone who felt the call. I was so intrigued and asked to take part. I was too introverted to really share much, but I loved the feeling of connection, being part of the group and reading all the other shares. I looked forward to getting a message from the Plantally group so much and felt so blessed to be part of this as it felt truly special. The plant spirits had played such a crucial role in my healing up until now I was excited to connect with more of them on a deeper level.

I have been part of 8 different Plantally sessions now and all have been truly transformational. The sessions can be difficult as they bring to the surface the deep layers that are ready to be worked on. I was trying to describe Plantally to my friend and explained it like this:
The transformations that happen in each session feel like 6 months of therapy, but unlike therapy where you are moving through this process alone, in Plantally you are moving through this healing process with other people who are on the same path and understand as they are experiencing much of the same as you are. This helps you feel connected and find the strength to keep moving through. You have the support of a loving community, while also having the blessing of connecting with the wonderful spirits who are part of the session and the light and wisdom that Andy holds within the sacred space of the session.

The medicine that you work with continues for a few days after the main meditation. That’s when I felt the transformation, like an energetic shift. In the days following the main meditation I was noticing things that didn’t bother me as much, like the underlying issue had been resolved. I eagerly awaited the next session.

This particular Plantally session with the spirit of Fig was extremely powerful and hard going for me. I felt much despair and debilitation on several days during the session and felt like the medicine of the session was bringing up the deepest layers of my shadows to work on. The shadow work I was met with was related to the wounds from my mother. There was a huge feeling of lack of safety, which was mirrored in my current reality as I was losing my home. This was part of the despair, but the other part of how low I felt was a very deep wound of not feeling good enough, not doing enough.

For most of my life when I have been overcome with darkness, I tend to ‘hermit’, retreat into my cave where I feel safe. This can ease the anxiety but also can lead to more darkness as you are alone with your despair ruminating in your head.

In the more concentrated part of this session, the main meditation, I experienced what felt like a profound heart healing, helping the deep layers of wounding I have that prevent me from truly valuing myself. This theme has been reflected by my ex-partner during the weeks of this session.

Many memories came up for me which triggered a lot of emotions in my heart. I placed my hands at my heart and felt waves of peaceful energy moving through my heart space and I felt pain in my right arm and hand.

After the session when I listened to the podcast there was so much of it that resonated with what I had went through in the session. The Spirit of Fig is related to the Mother Wound. There were so many key points in the podcast that struck home with my relationship with my mother ‘dark satellite transmitting bad thoughts and ideas’, ‘darkened by selfish forms of earth pursuing’, ‘burning desire to shout and scream, projecting rage, a family theme’ to name a few.

I have felt such a shift in my energy since the session with Fig. There has been an improvement in my confidence and self-worth and the despair I was feeling at losing my home, my safe space, has gone and I’m feeling more positive about the future. I feel more at ease and less of a failure when I rest more instead of overworking. There has been an improvement in the healing energy I am able to channel. I feel more connected to nature and the fact I have found the strength to share my story for this Plantally session is a huge achievement for me (although I did have to write my share as an audio was a bit too much of a challenge for me at the present time).

One of the hardest things I find with healing is when issues resurface that I felt had already been healed. In my understanding healing isn’t linear, it’s more like a spiral where you can revisit an issue at a deeper level once you’re strong enough to face it. When an issue does resurface, I’ve found that with all the healing on that issue that has gone beforehand, although it can seem more painful in the moment, it takes less time to move past and resolve. The Plantally sessions have helped me to continue to work through this spiral of inner work.

I feel truly blessed to have found Plantally and have this connection with the beautiful souls who are part of the sessions and for the wonderful healing space that Andy is able to create with his sacred connection to nature and the spirits.

In my meditation, I went to the deepest parts and discovered that everything we see must be viewed in two ways: one, to see what is inside, or what lies within that which we are observing, and two, to see what is beyond the thing we are seeing. In this way, we can understand where those things come from and their purpose, knowing the connection they carry and living in harmony with them (all living beings).

When traveling deep within, there are many things, but most are meant only for oneself. They cannot be explained, and it will be difficult for others to understand and comprehend, as they have many things I do not have. Each of us discovers the potential of our own existence, and meditation is incredible. I wish all of humanity would do the meditation to become more conscious of our existence and the existence of other beings.

En mí meditación fuí hacia lo más profundo y descubrí que todo las cosas que vemos, hay que ver en dos forma, uno en ver qué hay dentro? o qué es dentro de aquella cosa que estamos viendo ? y segundo qué hay más allá de la cosa que estoy viendo ? Y así sabremos de dónde viene aquellas cosas y para qué estás; conociendo la conexión que lleva y convivir con ellos (todos los seres existentes).

Viajando en lo más profundo hay muchas cosas, pero la mayor parte son solo para uno mismo, no tiene una explicación y será difícil que otra persona pueda entender y comprender, porque ellos tienen muchas cosas que yo no tengo y solo cada uno descubrimos la potencial de cada uno de nuestra existencia y la meditación es increíble. Yo desearía que toda la humanidad hicieran la meditación para ser más consciente de nuestra existencia y la existencia de los demás seres.