the bane of my existence

~ toxic attraction ~
episode 12

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"We're all just walking each other home"

– Ram Dass

Your vibrant leaves, forevergreen, colourful accents flowering between. But how do you do it all season through, where others into the Earth their energy withdrew. Dropping their leaves it's time to let go, awaiting spring for new ones to regrow.

Perhaps there's some who don't need seasonal release, when in all situations they're able to make peace. Self-regulating, they know who they are, naturally this keeps toxicity afar.

Unfortunately for others, toxic people are never far to be found, moving in of neighbours, now circling around. One practiced way that they seem to have come across, is a dog for endless barking or running free to border cross. It was Oleander who showed me this in the early days, through a dog with its incessant urinating displays. Although the name and origin of Dogbane for me was then unknown, it quickly become crystal clear how the plants had humans shown. Before modern-day pharmacy it was no mystery what the plants could do, but tracks have been covered trying to hide every clue.

Sananga is used by tribes to improve their eyesight, helping them to hunt long into the night. Drops into eyes might first bring a stinging burn, but the pain soon disappears with renewed vision return. Camalonga, my friend, from the Amazon of Peru, we worked together closely, third eye receiving what you knew. I could now See all of nature in a more magnificent way, life might be everchanging but this ability would stay. Dogbane is the name of the family in which they all reside and here we are feeling the healing that they guide. Their deadly demeanor many might find offputting, but wonders can be found for those who approach with loving footing.

Yes, some eyes are deceiving, not seeing clearly, deep seated anger effecting them severely. Maybe it is them who have become poisoned within, inciting mental misery is where toxic minds begin. But perhaps into another's story some are too easily led, Seeing and feeling other perspectives, easy for those too widespread. Quickly accumulating energies not of own, now needing to release and recharge through time spent alone. Unapproachable, a challenge to make eye contact, limiting others and their harmful impact. Everyone seems so loud and desperate to impress, overstepping boundaries to toxic excess.

Dear friend, how does one live from heart with all of creation, whilst seemingly facing constant confrontation. Could this be the true art of living, the eternal gift that keeps on giving. But bad vibes inside can offer a doorway for things to enter, hijacking mind and spirit, pulling one off centre. Changing mental chatter and obscuring vision, it’s an easy way to encourage separation and division.

Sananga, Oleander, Camalonga come along now. Energy no longer serving time to get it out, inviting inner eye to See what it's about. Stretching and expanding, fully letting go, testing the limits of this flexibility show. Blowing of cool Air, gently across the brow, activating sight and refreshing mind now. Ahh the tears are really flowing, but what might that be, relinquishing the old, radiating heart now set free. Perhaps the troublesome neighbour has always been the mind, standing in front of the heart, but all too rarely behind. Barking of instructions, restricting for protection, but all it really needs is the heart’s loving reflection. For things are picture perfect when seen from all is one, but often becomes more clouded when in duality it's from.

These are my own insights, but a great beauty of life is that of perspective, so how might others respond to the spirit of Dogbane, unbeknownst to this being the spirit they are receiving. How might they perceive it through their six senses. And when energy centres are balanced and aligned with the heart, life returns to playfully playing without feeling apart.

Whilst this podcast focuses on two stories, more sharings can be read in raw after-session written form below.

* some participant names may have been changed for pen names.
* no participants were informed that it was the spirit of Dogbane family with Sananga (Tabernaemontana undulata), Camalonga (Thevetia peruviana) and Oleander (Nerium oleander) we were working with until after they had all shared their experience of the Session.

Taly

Hello, My name is Taly. I was born to a Mexican mother and an Israeli father. I currently reside in South West Portugal, it’s been 18 years, and my parents and younger sister have been living here as well for more than a decade. My husband of 14 years is Portuguese and we have two beautiful girls.

My love for and connection to plants and nature is ancient, but one of my earliest memories is watching my father tending to his flowers and our big avocado tree.

The awareness of a connection to spirit was awakened by observing my Mexican grandmother and my nine aunties, some attached to religion, some expressing their connection through superstition and small rituals, candles, closed eyes and different types of prayers.

I spent my childhood moving between continents back and forth, never more than 3 years in one place. When I turned 18, the Israeli military claimed me and I was set free some time before I turned 21.

I traveled the world as part of an international dance company for a decade. Towards the end of my time with the company and after expressing myself through movement, music and rhythm on the world’s biggest stages, I found the place where I would eventually start growing my roots deep into the ground. South West Portugal.

At the time I didn’t know, why this place? So far removed from the limelight, so isolated in comparison to my crowded surroundings up until that point. Now I know that I needed to rest. I needed to close one chapter to begin many others. I needed to put my travel bags down, arrive home and sigh with relief.

Real love then came, and some time after, unconditional, inconceivable and Boundless love came as well.

I wanted more children but my body said no. That’s when I met my herbalist and dear friend, the woman who reawakened my ancient and deep connection to the magic of the plants and the perpetually available wisdom of nature. I had already started removing from my every-day, in a very organic way, what I call interferences, because I realised they weren’t serving my body or my state of mind and soul: Meat, caffeine, sugar, alcohol... I was never a smoker or used recreational drugs so I didn’t have to deal with that part.

As the interferences were diminishing, my connection to spirit was expanding.

I delved into meditation with joy and respect and I recognised that I had been intuitively practicing Reiki since a very young age. I connected with my cousin from my father’s side that has been a Reiki Master for decades and asked her to guide me through that journey; I learned with her and through the aware practice of Reiki to trust my gifts, and I am immensely grateful that I have the teachings of my dear friend and herbalist to guide me through the miraculous medicinal and spiritual properties of the plants. It was her that introduced me to Plantally, or as I always think of it in my mind: Plant Ally.

I had already been meditating a great deal with plants and their spirit, asking them questions and letting them take me with them on journeys to timeless events, teachings, messages and their medicines, but always on my own; The plant, me, and the secrets it chose to share with me. The practice with Andy pointed me to an unexplored and welcoming path. You see, I had been asking the plants for travel companions, for a tribe, beings who were also in awe of the powerful spiritual medicine of plants that also manifests in our physical bodies, as all matters of the heart do.

I was excited and nervous prior to my first session. I hadn’t done anything like it, several people connecting purposely and tuning into the medicine at the same time, and it was wonderful. I could feel it. I was connected. I was there. The plant spirit took me on a deep yet gentle journey, encouraging me to trust that what was coming through was meant for me, for us, and I felt so grateful.

In the days leading to my last session I tuned into the medicine, feeling supported by the plants and the group, almost immediately feeling a different spirit tentatively beginning to tune back in with me so I trusted, and I let go.

I noticed the currents of day to day life trying to pull me in opposite directions relentless in their demand, but my center remained still and grounded yet flexible. There was stability and contentment in what I defined as my ideological and emotional boundaries for this moment in time and space, and doing so brought joy, almost giddiness, to the experience of my days. In hindsight I understand that the plants were preparing me for what they would show me in the session. More confident and expectant this time, I tuned in deeper, higher, in all directions.

Mother.
Mothers.
Hands washing in the river, a feeling of blankness.
Hands holding hands, the lovers card.
Egypt, darkness, silence in the river. Baskets, newborns, mothers, separation.
Unthinkable pain.
Rivers of tears, sorrow, so much deep sorrow and helplessness. No other choice, letting go.
Drifting.

Emptiness, something deeper than grief.
A shower of white flowers falling from the complicit dark skies, it’s never going to be enough.
Compassion, contention, care, true unconditional empathy.
Ritual, understanding. Very. Hard. Choices.
The color WHITE

I was taken to the story of Moses and how he was left on the river by his mother in a basket so he would be spared from the unthinkable command of the Pharaoh, ordering all Israelite new born male babies to be killed. Crying, I felt the unfathomable grief of a mother having to separate from her child in an attempt to give him the best possibility of life she could. I also felt the cold, heartless decision taken by a being with an ego greater than his fear, and then...

Mother, woman and her male child, promise of love and deep connection.
Mother stays behind in love, child moves forward in harshness.

Attempts to show him a bright path, refusal, coldness.
Letting go. Separation as a choice.
Haste, stealth, aloneness in freedom.
Wandering, accepting, renewing field of energy, inner smile.

Contentment, love and happiness in the small things, golden oats in the sunset.
End of a journey, tentative connection, she will stay. Closure of one circle to form a new one standing in her own choice and inner peace. Positive masculine energy.
The color GOLD.

The contrast of separation by choice was evident. There was an acceptance and a feeling of wholeness when taking a decision that we know is the best for us, as hard as it might be to take it. When we’re aligned with our higher good, the right path finds us and shows itself, leading us to a levelled ground from where we can ground and grow.

Reflections.
The dark sky melting within the dark sea.
A sense of self, comprised of fractions of external reflections.
Experimenting, movement, dance, curiosity. Melting into blurred boundaries. Up is also down, solid is also liquid, darkness is also light.
Who are you behind the broken collection of other people’s projections? “Who” is reflecting the light and the darkness away, outward?
Flow and liquidity. Moving from state to state only to realize that it’s all an illusion.
After… resting, stillness, one moment.
No more searching. Everything flows through me while I stay still in this one moment.
The color BLUE.

Playfulness and exploration came to say hello, come, join us. Where can you find what you perceive as “you”? Well, everywhere! I don’t end or begin, I’m not in or out, I just am, along with all that there is. Stillness is when we let time flow through us, when we let go of the concept of riding an arrow that goes from the past to the future and we stay right where we are, not trying to escape in our mind the moment that is now.

Red soil and red dust.
Ancient, dark but warm stone.
Earth element.
Guided by the stone into a castle adorned with angels that turned into stone. Their spirit is no longer there, only the spirit of the stone and all that it has witnessed.
More dust, males and male energy.
War ritual, lust, abandon, loud cries.
Laying low on the red, hot, dry soil. Tasting it.
Falling down a rabbit hole in the middle of all this. Away from the noise, falling forever. Darkness, endless blissful darkness.

Knowing.
Then a bluish white, like snow covering all.
The colours RED AND BLACK.

I realise that the pain of what we don’t understand often comes out by using the tools that we have at that moment, for expressing our frustration and sometimes helplessness. When we’re not yet connecting to spirit with intention, the tools are rudimental and often times will leave us for dead on the hard ground, tasting the dust. But even there, there’s a portal, there’s an opportunity to break through and find what you didn’t even know you were seeking. Come home, join the tribe.

Zoe

Playful. Light. Sun codes. Symphony. Network. Expansive. Mind opening. Vast. Birds eye view. Buzzy. Whimsical. Curious. Stimulant. High energy. Trippy. Inter-dimensional.

Purging energies. Physical nausea in the stomach. Meanwhile playing with the energy of acceptance….and remaining OPEN. Instead of contracted. Saying yes. Flowing. Witnessing my own resistance and then the magic when I just let it go…peace is the gift that comes from allowing. SEEing how I have been creating dis-harmony by trying to control too tightly. And how simple it is to welcome peace in by simply FLOWING. Instead of cursing, blessing what I resist and watching it transform like a butterfly.

Sometimes the poison is the medicine. The purging, the descent into the underworld of what the ego calls ‘bad’. But with all judgement removed there is no good. No bad. Just what is.

Time marches on and the Electric energy is amplified…butterflies in tummy…lightness of being…SEEing from a 6th dimensional perspective…the interconnectedness of all life represented in the structure of this plant being dog bane. We are one huge network. Nature and humans alike. A vast Grid of energy.

As the metaphysical medicine courses through my veins I feel Tingling in the body. More nausea…purging. Massive moments of heart opening and warm pulsations in the body. As I consciously Welcome this plant spirit in to weave its magic. Trusting and flowing. Transmuting resistance with acceptance. Blessing all that is.

And then into session with Dogbane I descend…unbeknownst of the plant I was communing with.

Plunged suddenly into the void. With eyes that can now see. Stars glistening. Feeling the expansion of the infinite. Tears flow. Heart opens. Soft, lunar energies run through the body. Suddenly I am floating on the wings of a hawk. Soaring high through the sky. Feeling the sunlight rays on my cheek. Wild and free. The mind wonders…I notice the tension in my jaw. Clenched. So much tension held in the body wanting to release. Jaw drops open. Bliss codes enter. And I am back. Floating in the void. Why does the mind struggle so with subtlety? What if the medicine IS the subtle? In session This medicine spoke to me in the most subtle of ways…a lightness of being…a softness of presence…almost so soft I questioned it’s presence. Angelic in nature. Suddenly white flowers are blooming, swirling everywhere. Ah it is the zero point. Spiraling blooms at the speed of light. Such awe and beauty. Sweet scents flow over me. I am home.

Selva

Wow, that was intense. Exorcism style work. Definitely know why I was resisting so much. It started with a man on a horse, I jumped on the horse we rode off to a place beyond space and time. Then I’m in the jungle. I’m half buried in the ground. It’s scary and on another level that I see drawn like in a comic I jump on a wolf and want to escape but the spirit is luring me back with something that I can’t resist. I feel something blue on/in my heart. Together with a man I enter a blue space. We dance. I feel a sharp pain in the right joint of my jaw. Then the visions end and physical symptoms start like I’ve never experienced before. My body starts to move. I’m retching, coughing attacks, crying and screaming at the same time, feeling of throwing up. Heavy purging. I can’t understand what it is. I’m not resisting, totally surrendering. It feels like I’m poisoned somehow. It goes on for 2 songs. Then it calms down a little bit. I see the colorful ethereal space again that I felt this morning. I touch a stone that is laying on my little altar next to me and the body reactions start again. It feels like spells being removed, as if somebody had me trapped with witchcraft and the spirit helps me to break it. It’s very heavy and exhausting. After the second wave I see myself back on the jungle floor. The spirit wraps me in a colorful blanket. I hear: We did well.

Lindsay

Feels like a deep state of slumber is arising. Sedative like. It’s so still and comfortable, like I’m surrounded by warmth and closeness. Enveloped and enveloping. I meet the spirit, we honour one another in a hongi. No words need be exchanged, the honour is to truly see. Retches start quickly and my breath is expelled to a whisper of sound as it escapes from deep deep caverns where I’ve held the stale air. The retches pass as soon as they came. The deep sleep, lucid dreaming state spreading out again. My body begins moving, undulating as waves. Sine waves. From the toes out through the head a great wave enters and passes, enters and passes. Not actually my body, but a great wave I am. The ocean.

I “awake” on a beach, after what I understand to be a shipwreck. There’s no ship, just me laying on the sand in the rays of the sun. A face looks upon me, with deep ocean eyes. I am surrounded by eyes of this way. The way. Many gather around me, gently carry me to home. I don’t feel like a guest - I belong here. There is an enchanting garden, the walls are made of clay, the bed of fallen branches. Sun rays shine everywhere, salty skin cleansed with pure water. Awakening from a sleep, so still and at peace. I feel deep presence in my room, and I ask, who are you? Why are you here? We are here as you. Then a “representative” from many forms- fae, elves, mermaids… on and on they bow to me. There is no end. Held and surrounded, enveloped by love. From there I don’t recall much aside from the stillness of peace, the honour of what it is to be. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have forgotten many times it is not just me, but at the same time, I am the only one here. I honour you..

Maike

An hour before the session an incredible amount of resistance. pressing play. pressure on my sternum. feeling like being pressed down into the ground. forest floor. I am being dropped there my body softly and gently bounces up and down from the ground. the ground opens. i am laying in my own grave. there are people running and screaming. they are running away from something. they are scared. it is peaceful in that grave. something winding around me, like a liana, wrapping a cocoon around me, lifting me up into the treetops.

fairies. stardust. elves playing music. the music (from the playlist) sounds very different this time. back in the grave. there is something like a dwarf/gnome next to me, whispering something in my ear. i can not understand. a sphere of light starting to spin in my head. spiralling. my body melts away. melting into colours, shapes and pure vibration. travelling through space like that for quite some time. a dragon dropping a tear onto my heart space. my body melts. i see andy: let go. surrender. my lips start moving, just very gently. a feeling like there are bubbles coming out. bubbles of light. they carry a message. a message that reaches very far.

i feel the spirit(s) working through my whole body. it feels gentle, soft, meandering. very slow movements in my body. i see my dad. i start to cry. feels like he gives me his blessing to do what i have to do. My ovaries hurt. I see a little girl..it is me..then I am an adult again the little girl comes running towards me. Merges into a baby that is inside my womb. back in the grave. i feel the presence of many people and beings. i don’t know how to get out of here. again i see andy telling me that i can get out of there if i want to. i just lay and focus my willpower. it takes all that i have in this moment and i see my body starting to float out of the grave and landing on my feet. i laugh. the music stops. very magical and mystical experience.

Donna

I was in the Amazon, I could see big leaves like petals opening, and what was in the centre of this opening was me. I stepped out. Feeling everything was new. Walking through the jungle in awe of the beauty of all its aspects. Then 3 snakes arrived to me, and moved with me through the jungle. They have been with me before, but not for a long time. They have transformed from small brown skinny short snakes to large green white speckled snakes. We all walk to together for a while, and then we all transform, now making our way through the jungle as energy. My energy then moves into the trunk of a tree that is a dark brown colour. I do not feel the snakes anymore. "My how you have grown" says the tree. Then I feel my energy moving down the tree and through its roots. Deeper and deeper. I feel now I am in an ancient part of the earth. I shift back into human form intermittently. The beings here are ancient - from nature - they are communicating with me through the language of nature. In this place nothing is separate, all are connected through this language that feels like "all that is". They lay me down and then open the top of my head. They are rewiring me. Moving vessels from one part and plugging them into another. I am anxious and apprehensive. I see them putting "seeds" in and then a pink glowing flower in the centre of my brain. Then after a while they close my head. I then feel myself back in energy form and making my way back up the tree roots and back into the tree. I continue up the tree and now feel and sense every part. I am the branches, the twigs and every part of every leaf. This is an extraordinary feeling!! Then I feel the joy of the birds and monkeys and animals gathering at the base of the tree. The snakes have also returned. Then my energy lifts from the tree, and I am the wind...now feeling drawn to Egypt. I see myself in a line of people walking. Serapis Bey is leading. We have just left Atlantis in its demise. I hear the Crow call... feeling his presence and hearing his messages. We all then get to a cavern of rock. I look up and see my son as a white eagle. Then, I see a nook that has been carved out of the rock. A square to rectangle shaped. I take a diamond shaped light out of my heart chakra and place it in this nook. I then realise that I have been a carrier and protector of a sacred ancient light in form on the earth. A past life recall that I'd had during the medicine now makes sense. I hear the crow call again. I returned to an energy form and met my Son as the white eagle and my daughter as the white Dove, I was flying between them. I asked "what is my form?" The reply, "you are all forms" .

Ulrike

Nausea, with a lot of saliva, continues still, cramps in my stomach, Feeling paralysed, cannot move, especially legs, pelvis, lower body, seems rising up, Electrical discharges, Cramping of small muscles in my legs, I surrender and start to journey - out of body - walking through forest, on a field with flowers, being a flower visited by a bee.

Pictures of a friend who is very sick and seeing her leaving her body - her soul comes to visit me... Telepathic connections Angels, Sadness, Hopeless and lost... Diving through. Starting to move again. Expansion of my body and energetic fields. Feeling super sensitive, open and without boundaries. What a journey...

Daisy

Feeling very spacey. Before session was very cold and active bladder. Once we started I Quickly warmed up. Waves of deep relaxation. Numb. Sinking deep. Almost faught it but surrendered. Wow loss of sensation. Then light light upwards. Loads of triangles and a tail of a whale swimming away. Looking back at me. Vast ocean. Expansive blues. Then me going deep down. Massive sound in right ear. Then pop. Realised many times today if felt like my ears were under water. Cold legs at times. Bladder heavy. Many different animals. Incl white rabbit. Me I n deep green forest. Unfurling. On every level. Secrets maybe I will know get to know or not.. doesn’t matter. Then fires many in a desert. Me flying high over fires. I am a big bird with mirror glasses. Times throughout session numb, deep vast relaxation. Even at times saw me lying on a table totally out of it. Much with this spirit over last days. Making sense. Gratitude.

Marluz

Last hour before the session started a Lot of “explosive anger”; very stingy (prikkelbaar) stress feelings and need to cry like a little girl that feels unseen/misunderstood. I suddenly miss veeery strong my friend that died last year. I hope she’ll come visit me tonight. Deep sadness. Black blanket covering me head to toe. Fear Am I dead? Am I in my last place/basket/grave? Short, then it’s gone I know it doesn’t want to make me disappear though I feel the sinking deeper in the sand. Very much In the head/mind. Not easy to let thoughts go and only feel the breath Warm and expanded arms and legs. Especially my hands are amazing. Paralysed, but in a pleasant space/way. Blue . All good like this Air and sharp pain in the intestines or is it my ovaries? Air coming. Iceberg in the ocean. The water looks warm and I feel invited to dive into it and discover what’s under the sea level. I swim a few rounds (shortly as a mermaid) and then come above; deeep breath lungs filling. Pain in my left kidney. More Pressure on the lower belly/intestines again Iceberg into butterfly. Pain in lower back and neck; the areas I overstretch a lot.. doing it now too? Blue elephant sits in front of me Looks at me with a message, but I don't get it. When I ask for it, it’s gone. I feel like a statue, of stone. Suddenly I love to stay still, not move and just wait and experience what’s next. Music already stopped and I stay still for I think ten minutes or so. Don’t feel like moving/ breaking the “spell”.

Thank you dear Taly and Zoe.

There were varying responses within the group to this medicine, some purging, retching, extracting, clearing, sedating, paralysing, contracting, expanding, sinking into the Earth, stretching out into branches and leaves, anger, peace, warming, cooling and deep heart opening.

For some, healing crises took place in the days that followed as the buried was brought to surface. That discomfort in the momentary need to feel that which was refused or overwhelmingly unable to be felt, that which was hidden from vision and those toxic tendencies taken in or taken on, stuck inside for all too long, but now called upon to be gone. Simply growing pains my dear friends.

Thank you Sananga, Oleander, Camalonga and Dogbane.
Thank you to the group for your willingness to experience and openness to share.
Thank you Dom from Ketsa music for another background masterpiece here linked.