return to innocence

Long white dress, body slender and tall, chorus from nature, where the waters fall. Hand in hand, lead the way to the lagoon, pure stream flowing, sunset soon. Wading into the Water, but can you fall back and float, relax into the moment, self-love devote. You seem so busy, got a lot on your mind, a todo list that never fails to remind. But I see you have the energy to get it all done, a Fire type, so always on the run.

Some might say I’ve been quite active too, they named the largest plant family after me, yes it’s true. But I do it all without over-thinking, present in the now, miss it if you're blinking. Maybe everything is written in the stars, knowing moves in, all of creation is ours. So take some time to bathe in its beauty, loving all lifeforms is your human duty.

But are you aligned with the master plan, blueprints implanted, across the globe they span. For the love of humanity, it's time to open the other wing, Condor rising, bird calls we sing.

Plucking petals, she loves me, she loves me not, searching outside for true love inside forgot. While some surround themselves with well-trodden stories of others, misery loves company, hurts passed on from mothers. There are those patiently serving the transcendence of this suffering, like an Egret their white wings warm new ways discovering. For many the golden thread to our sacred mother, it's worn thin and been tethered to another. Like an umbilical chord, always sending and receiving, synchronicity with life, current moment conceiving.

So let's nurture and nourish this connection, returning childhood innocence through cosmic correction. Many around you might notice a shift, your sparkling eyes reflecting this gift. Keen to make contact, what do you suppose, eagerly awaiting all you disclose. But like all good things, it's now yours to maintain, so marvel at your true nature in hope to retain.

Your nervous system might need an upgrade, energetic work at night, no need to be afraid. For the higher frequency that's soon to be birthing, calls for a human whose a better Earthling. Pounding of chest, synchronous heartbeat, rhythmic patterns under your feet. Oh what a sight for sore eyes, nature's vibrance, colours of sunrise. Like a bird of paradise she's been dancing for your attention, co-creating the new, rising with ascension.

But that stubborn side that's kept you on course, despite all confrontations from opposing force, it's time to soften, for full energy to move through, no obstacles should stand in the way of where you're headed to. So come with me, to waters warmer, massaging away tension, a real resistance transformer. Can you feel it now? The love you've been missing, all of creation your being now kissing. Cry on my shoulder, let your tears soak the land, gasping for Air as your lungs now expand. I know it's been hard and you've been hard on yourself, I read it in the library, found your akashic shelf.

In service to Earth, galactic evolution against all odds, a story foretold in the skies by the gods. Their language illuminated in starlight, connecting the dots, did you receive their invite. Butterflies in stomach, anticipation of what's to come, ready to rise beyond "what on Earth has been done". Warm enigmatic energy, palms now pulsing, body vibrating and strongly convulsing.

If you're fortunate enough to be blessed by her divine feminine, then there's no longer a need for all that adrenaline. Sitting in her presence there's no feeling of deficiency, total contentedness and self-sufficiency.

So to Daisy, open your flower, nyctinasty, new light of day, amnesty. Bring your healing, white petal headdress so pure, yellow centre, solar fire assure. Brighten the garden, we walk with bare feet, a welcome reunion, your love so sweet. Duality seam, two halves brought together, now dancing as one, like two birds of a feather.

These are my own insights, but a great beauty of life is that of perspective, so how might others respond to the spirit of Daisy. How might they perceive it through their six senses. And many prophecies have foretold this moment in time, open both wings for your heart to now shine.

Hello, I’m Elisabeth. I help dog owners understand and bond with their dog and am also a psychedelic retreat coordinator in The Netherlands. I love what I do. I can pour out so much of my heart in it, and I have a lot of love to give to both animals and humans.

My road to here has been a long and adventurous one. I have had to learn some pretty hard lessons about giving power away, the role of emotions and the mind-body connection to finally find a fulfilling life that is in line with the purpose of my soul. When I was introduced to Plantally through a participant in one of the psilocybin retreats, I knew I should take part in a session but had no idea about the transforming power it would have and the depths of the spiritual lessons before, in and after the session itself.

When I was 36 years old, I left my life in Sweden to become a nun in a Greek-Orthodox monastery. Filled with a euphoric feeling of meaning and joy, I quit my dream job as a communications manager in the environmental sector, sold all my things, and left my homecountry and my family behind me, to serve Christ, forever. But 4 years later I stood at the airport of Thessaloniki, afraid and fragile, just praying and hoping to get on my plane back home before one of the monks or nuns would find me and take me back.

I have always yearned for God, the Sacred. As a child I loved being in nature, in the wild deep Swedish forests, filled with berries and mushrooms. Adoring the majestic mountains in Lapland, where I spent all my summers. And by the fire. I could just sit watch it burning for hours. Like most children I did not have a notion of God then. But in nature I felt something that I needed, that belonged to me. The stillness, the sacred, the peace.

Even though I have made so many brave decisions, and gone my very own way, still, over and over again I was not able to honor my own true needs and longings - the deeper, emotional ones. I always said to myself that I am following my heart, but it was difficult for me to know my heart. Because somewhere in my childhood I must have learned that it was safer and maybe easier to be more busy with the other than with myself.

I met my first husband when I was 20, having recently returned from India, where I worked as a volunteer in a remote mountain village. It was here where I explored spirituality, met with gurus at ashrams and swami priests in the temples, witnessed Hindu ceremonies where people reached ecstatic states, and took part in religious feasts where miracles were performed. But I also met missionaries and found a love for Christ and felt called to study in a bible school.

Although I was aware of my husband at the time’s addictions, slowly, without realising I became co-dependent, while his addictions grew. We were married for 10 years. It wasn’t until after he had been unfaithful for the second time, that I knew we needed to divorce. Emotionally I was scattered. I had given my everything, but in doing so, had neglected myself, standing up for my own needs, saying no when things felt wrong. I was too concerned with his wellbeing, afraid to hurt him, or to be too much. This focus on the other, led me to give away my own power.

A few months after my divorce, I received a letter from an old friend. More than 20 years had passed since we last saw each other. She was now an abbess of a monastery, and she invited me to come visit. She sent me a calendar and I cried when I saw the nuns in their black dresses, having given up everything for Christ. I asked myself Do they feel Christ? Is He moving them? I had felt more and more disappointed with the church, where activities seemed more important than inner work, and I did not feel that I was being transformed into the image of Christ the way I was longing for. I missed the depth. So I decided to visit and find out. The Orthodox Church was so different from anything I had experienced as a Christian in the protestant world. The incense, the candles, the liturgy. It all touched me so deeply and I fell in love. 2 years later I was baptised at the monastery and after another 2 years and several visits I decided to devote my life to Christ forever and bought my one-way ticket.

When we choose for something we also give something up. Leaving my family had put a knife in my heart. But I had a burning love for Christ and a strong conviction that giving up my life for Him would save and bring eternal peace to those I loved.

The day I was tonsured a nun I felt almost delirious from spiritual joy as if all my longings were being fulfilled, my life was meaningful. But there was something around our charismatic spiritual father that did not feel right. And I had not expected it to be so emotionally cold between the sisters. When I for the first time saw the spiritual father hit one of the nuns I was in shock. “I deserved it” said the nun. “The one God loves he hits” said an older nun. “We feel he is closer to us when he disciplines us, like a real father”, my old friend the abbess explained. In my mind I was trying to make sense of what I experienced. I was a novice in this deeply spiritual world and I said to myself that there must be a reason that I can’t understand yet, that I probably need to be humbled like the others to move closer to God. They can’t all have it wrong.

My emotional system was continuously alarming. My body reacted. I got sick, my period stopped, I was in an emotional roller-coaster, as I tried to make sense of things. I am such a bad nun I confessed. I have critical thoughts about the abbot and I am thinking of leaving. When I felt I was going crazy I held on to my trust in my old college friend who was now my abbess. And she kept repeating: Our spiritual father is our way to God, he is representing God to us and when we obey and love him we are with Christ. This is your life now. There is nothing in the world. Everyone will despise you if you leave. And you will lose God.

How can I explain the complex psychological process at work in a religious cult that slowly breaks down the individual’s autonomy and undermines their ability to think freely and stay in touch with their emotions? First of all there is a lot of love, trust and promises. This is later mixed with blame, punishment and the removal of the love. The control happens step by step and is very subtle, threat and humiliation is used. The hierarchy of the church and specifically of a monastery or any religious group for that sake gives room for the misuse of power. Then we have obedience, the pillar of monastic life, which can get very dangerous. When you decide to become a nun you have already made an extreme decision to give up your life, your old nature, your ego. That is your own ultimate will. This makes you very vulnerable if there is some dirt in the hierarchy above you, which paves the road for an abusive personality.

The beatings were just one of the ugly parts of this abusive community. It all starts with emotional and spiritual abuse, and the physical did not end with beatings. Using sophisticated psychological methods such as gas lighting the nuns were tricked into sexual corruption as well. Luckily I got away before the sexual abuse got physical. But the psychological sexual abuse made me terrified, vulnerable and fragile.

On the other hand, and this may sound surprising to you, one can also say that somehow there is an underlying reciprocal agreement at hand between the abuser and the abused. Both parties need something from the other. I needed spiritual guidance to get closer to God. He needed admiration and another soul to exert power over. Even though I had a clean heart and only longed for God I myself was responsible for letting him exert power over me, I gave my power away.

Had I been true to my own emotion, to my heart, I would have left the very first moment I saw the abbot hit. But it took me 4 years to finally get away. Even though I was afraid, broken and confused and not even sure I did the right thing, by leaving, I had taken a first feeble step on my road of reclaiming my power.

The years after, I felt locked down. I did not want to have anything to do with spirituality whatsoever. But… Yatzie came to me, my first dog. I did not understand at first that dogs are such spiritual beings. She kept me sane and helped me reconnect to the world, to nature and my emotions. And after 7 years, and a burnout in the corporate world, my true nature caught up on me, and I took up my spiritual quest. This time I was going to look beyond the church and religious groups. I started listening to the wise men and women of our times. I did some profound courses in personal exploration and growth. I did yoga and meditation. I felt I was starting to re-connect with my deeper layers. Though in the back of my mind I still had a feeling I was betraying Christ.

The deepest opening for me happened as I was soul dancing which I did weekly for many years. There in the movement, connected with my body, I slowly integrated my heart and my mind. One evening in the dance studio I had a spontaneous deep screaming experience, which was very liberating. It now feels as if I have gone through a metamorphosis of my mind. I had to break through a lot of convictions based on the Christian faith. 4 years ago I took my first step towards a big change in my professional life by taking a job at a spiritual retreat centre in the middle of the Dutch forests. Here I felt at home, and I learned about all the different ways to search your soul and keep growing and heal. One of them was through the psilocybin retreats. I felt drawn to the magic mushrooms but had not experienced their wise power myself. And a moment of pure serendipity happened, and I was asked to join the Beckley Retreats. I now handle the on-site operations for all their truffle retreats in The Netherlands.

Meeting the world of plant medicines is like a homecoming to me. Coming home to that joyful child picking mushrooms in the magic and wild Swedish forests. But also coming home to the longing I have always had of being of service in this world in the spiritual transformation of lives.

This plant medicine world is still new to me. With every retreat I am in awe of their power to transform the lives of the participants. After having microdosed a little on my own, and experiencing a feeling of being in my own inner monastery, I am eagerly awaiting my more deep going psilocybin experience. It is coming up soon. /smile/ My Daisy session was strangely enough something similar to the microdosing and also the breathwork I have been taking part in during the retreats I handle. Maybe the spirits of the plants are so powerful and accessible that we can benefit and transform just by emerging in their presence and not even having to actually physically take them in. So it seems to me now.

When you sign up for a Plantally session the magical life lessons start even before the day itself and continue the weeks after. A few days before the Daisy session I had a vivid dream, I remembered all the details clearly. It touched on themes such as my sexuality, taking charge of the direction my life is going, and ended with a fearful moment where I was going to be circumcised… I understand it as a spiritual initiation that has happened to me in this process. And I am so curious about where it is taking me.

Then came the Plantally session. I still did not know which spirit we were going to meet. When the music started I was soon filled with warmth, tingling and light. I could see my body as a network of nerves filled with flowing light. This network of light continued down into the earth below me. My feminine parts got all heated up, it got close to an orgasmic feeling. My crown heated up too. Then I saw a small colourful Colibri-like bird drinking nectar from a flower on a bush while floating in the air and flapping its wings. I got to drink this nectar of life too. Then my body position opened up, arms spreading out, middle body rising, head tilting backward, face upwards, as in full receptivity. I then saw myself on the side of a harbor, by a wall, it was grey and dark there. It was my insecurity I understood, something that has stood in the way of my development all my life. I released and released. I then grew roots and became a huge old tree. I could see the patterns of the old bark on the stem in detail and this reflected all the wisdom it was carrying. The branches of this huge tree were long and luscious with green leaves giving new life every year. Birds were sitting on the branches. Then I had to shake a lot. After this I was at a ritual fireside where I was dancing full of power, free and strong. I was expressing myself fully. And then a feeling of trust came over me. I felt so much trust in the becoming. My becoming. I could fully embrace and own myself, as a sensitive woman, with a mystical connection to spirit, to nature and animals. I then transcended, and I was with the lover of my soul. I just rested there so full and content and seen. This transformed into a sweet and strong self-love. I then melted into my own soul.

The days after I experienced an opening of my soul. It was easier to make decisions in line with my needs, to feel my deeper longings. I could easily ground myself and there was a power flowing in my spirit. Things also started shifting between me and my husband. Making love had never been so pleasurable, as if my female parts were reborn. The divine femininity of Daisy. Still the issues my husband and I struggle with began to peak and came to a climax. In the end a big shift occurred and we are now at a much better place together.

After this the condition of my beloved dog Moët, the daughter of my first dog Yatzie, who had been sick for a while, deteriorated. She had problems breathing. This pushed me into deep despair and in the nights I travelled so deep inside my pain and my fear of losing her, deep inside my limitless love for her and it broke me open. I could feel all the pain I have been carrying from my life traumas. I cried and cried. And slowly my lungs were clearing and I could breathe, deeper now. I breathed for Moët and I breathed for emotional freedom. The message came to fully love again. To dare to love again. To love, to love, to love. A return to innocence where love is unbroken.

The love for my dog is so immense, but sadly a few days ago I finally lost her to lung cancer. She and Daisy together brought me to a place inside where pain and love live in harmony, a powerful and sweet place near the lungs. That is how I felt it that emotional night. The lungs, the connection between the spiritual and the physical. I feel Moët so close to me now in the spirit. Talking words of wisdom to me, while my tears are still falling.

The Plantally session also coincided with the final week of a tantric course I have been taking on the Inner Marriage. It was Moët’s left lung that was struck. The yin of the feminine. And in this course I felt that my invitation has been to give room to my feminine to lead me, to rest from the adrenalin driven ambitions I have had all my life. It was so in line with the spirit of Daisy. So a few days ago, just before Moët crossed over, I gave vows in my inner marriage ceremony of the masculine and feminine. And I made myself a ring twisting the fur of my dog Moët around it. She was femininity incarnated, with her softness and angelic eyes she was like a feminine Zen master and a passionate lover. I have no words for the magic of the spirit of nature and animals. I will love and miss her forever.

When I reflect back on my life I see that I have been looking outside of myself to meet my soul’s longing for freedom, for God. You can not kill your ego through ascetism and obedience. There is no short cut to wholeness. It takes self-exploration, trauma work and it needs time. When we find self-love we are home. This is our spiritual work and our invitation is to look for and follow our own road. On this road our emotional system brings us messages all the time. When we learn to be attentive to our emotions, decode them and their underlying convictions, we understand their deeper meaning and we grow. We can only truly feel our emotions when we are embodied. Out of our mind. When we breathe, find stillness and relax. This is where plants and animals and their spirits become so helpful. Their purity and magical connection with consciousness and the here and now, pulling us downwards, into mother earth and her gift of grounding us. And Christ is there too. And Daisy. And Moët. With every breath. Love. As we become what we in spirit always were. Whole.